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DISCUSSTitus Refuses To Come Out of His Trailer
| 10/15/200748 A.D., Antioch
Paul is hanging out with Barnabas. Enter Peter.
Paul: What the—?!
Peter: Surprise!
Barnabas: I thought you never left J-town.
Peter: Look, we don't have much time. James is ten minutes behind me and he's pissed.
Paul: Don't start.
Peter: I changed my mind.
An awkward silence.
Barnabas: Changed your mind about what?
Peter: You know, the penis issue.
Paul: Too late, we went over that. We're not cutting penises.
Peter: Well, I think you have to grow up and face the penis. Abraham cut penises, we can't stop doing it now.
Paul stares hard.
Barnabas: Don't look at me. I don't have a dog in this fight.
Paul: That's because you don't have to worry about it!
Peter: Exactly. Because Barnabas took care of business.
Paul: He took care of it when he was eight days old! It's just some kind of repressed childhood trauma to him.
Peter: Talk to James. But I'm telling you he's not giving in on penises.
Paul (to Barnabas): Go find Titus, tell him to get his ass over here. I want these guys to see how stupid this is.
Barnabas: Yeah, okay, cool.
Exit Barnabas. On his way out he brushes against James.
James: Barnabas! My bro!
Barnabas: Yeah, uh, later, man, I gotta run.
James looks around the room, nods at Paul. An icy silence.
James: So Peter told you?
Paul: Why are you doing this?
James: My brother, the Christ, Son of Man and Son of God—
Paul: No no no no no no no no no NO! You are NOT gonna play the "my brother" card.
James: He was my brother, okay?
Paul: So what? He loved everybody.
James: Yeah, but I'm the only guy who ever saw his penis.
Paul: I can't believe I'm hearing this.
James: We were kids, it was a hot day, we were hanging out at the river, I wasn't trying to—
Paul: Stop! Don't tell me.
James: Anyway, it was obvious his penis was . . . you know.
Paul: Yes, he was a Jew, I know that. He was a Jew and I'm a Jew and you're a Jew.
James: Wouldn't you say he's pretty much the most important Jew?
Paul: Look, we've got people here who don't know the difference between Abraham and Abe Abramowitz.
James: Who's Abe Abramowitz?
Paul: He sells falafel in the market. You mention the penis thing to these people and it sounds like those guys in Phrygia who lance the scrotum with a stick.
Peter: That's why you have to cut penises first and talk about it later.
Paul: Excuse me, but I'm not going to line everybody up for the foreskin gatherer and say "Look, you don't understand now, but you'll thank me for this later."
Peter: Well, the covenant is through the penis. God said cut the penis. Abraham cut the penis, and I'm sure it sounded pretty weird to him, too. If you look at the scripture on penis—
Paul: Would you stop saying "penis"?
Peter: You've always been a hothead.
Paul: I think you like saying "penis." They should name the penis after you.
Peter: What's that supposed to mean?
Paul: I've got gentiles practically running the church up here. Like Titus. I want you to meet Titus.
Peter: You're not gonna show us his penis, are you?
James: Actually I wouldn't mind taking a look—
Paul: It's an uncut penis, okay? You don't need to look at it.
James: How do you know that? Some people do it anyway.
Paul: Who would do that for no reason?
Peter: Crazy people!
Paul: God doesn't care about cutting the penis! God cares about cutting the heart.
James: Now that's grisly. And you think we're hardasses.
Barnabas slips into the room.
Paul: Did you get Titus?
Barnabas: He doesn't really want to . . .
Paul: Doesn't really want to what?
Barnabas: He refuses to come out of his room.
Paul: Oh, this is ridiculous, I'll get him.
Paul storms out of the room. Barnabas can see that something has happened.
Barnabas: So, did I miss anything?
James: What do you know about this Titus?
Barnabas: Well. Five-nine. Likes fish. Small ears.
James: Do you socialize with him?
Barnabas: Yes. No. I mean, sure, we've hung out.
James: Well, I don't want any more mixing with the uncut.
Barnabas: We don't really know who is cut or uncut, I mean—
Peter: Theologically speaking, it doesn't have anything to do with Titus. He might be a good person and everything. But we can't start making exceptions.
Barnabas: Well, you met him, right?
Peter: I, uh, which one was he?
Barnabas: Come on! Three a.m.! Half a cask of wine!
James: Peter! Is it true?
Peter: Naw, that can't be the same guy.
Paul bursts back into the room and paces around in an agitated state.
James: So?
Paul glares at him.
Peter: Is Titus coming?
Paul: Would you come to a meeting where two guys were talking about hacking an inch off your thing?
James: Look, we don't have to meet Titus. It's decided. This was really just a courtesy call. I wanted you to hear it from us. It's for the good of everyone.
Paul: Yeah, everyone except the twelve elders who are probably trying to buy armored crotch protectors off the legionaires.
Peter: Okay, stop. Focus. Practical matter: these people are showing up in Jerusalem.
Paul: What do you mean "these people"?
Peter: Your people. Titus types.
Paul: Yeah, so what?
Peter: They want Temple tours. Where do we put 'em? Outer court? Inner court?
Paul: Wherever they want.
Peter: But they're uncut!
Paul: How do you know? Do you check 'em?
Peter: Of course we don't check 'em.
Paul: Then don't ask, don't tell.
James: That's what's causing the morale problem. I'm not talking about it anymore. It's over. We've done it for 40 generations, we're doing it.
Paul: Is that your final answer?
James: That's my final answer.
Paul: Fine.
James: Fine.
Paul: I'm going to the nations.
Peter: What the hell does that mean?
Paul: I'm outta here. You can have your little church.
Peter: Why do you have to be so melodramatic? "The nations." You're taking a roadtrip. And you should. You need to cool off.
Paul: There are other places to do this.
James: Places more important than Jerusalem? Like what?
Paul: Like, uh, I don't know, I was thinking of Thessalonica.
James: Oh, I'm so jealous.
Peter: You don't have to go to Thessalonica.
James: Where's Thessalonica?
Paul: Maybe I'd be happier in Thessalonica.
James: Fine. You go to Thessalonica. We're sending a cutter.
Outside there's a loud bump and heavy footsteps running away.
Paul: What was that?
Barnabas opens the door and looks out.
Barnabas: I guess Titus was listening.
Paul: Titus goes with me.
James: Fine.
Peter: Fine.
Paul: You guys are unbelievable.
Paul storms out.
Peter: Don't forget to write!
James: What about you, Barnabas?
Barnabas: I'm flexible.
James: No drinking with Titus if you stay.
Barnabas: That's cool.
James: Peter, did you drink with Titus?
Peter: I can't recall at this time.
Barnabas: Did Paul really split?
James: Oh, don't worry. He's so deluded he thinks he can find some place where they never heard of penis-cutting.
The door opens. Paul walks back in.
James: My brother!
Paul: Anybody got a pen?
Sigh...
There's a thin line between thought-provoking irreverance and pointless vulgarity that depends on shock value rather than cleverness or insight. Come to think of it, I guess that line isn't really all that thin. And that in itself should make it easy to tell which side of it you're on.
This piece reminds me of an old Saturday Night Live sketch where the goal seemed to be to say "penis" as many times as possible. I remembering watching that and thinking, "Boy, they were really out of ideas this week."
You folks are better than this.
you're very easily offended
Too funny. Poor Titus..
I thought this was pretty good.
Of course, the issue isn't about the penis but about the foreskin, and these are not the same thing. The point, that you need not be a (circumcised) Jew to be a Christian, could have been a little bit clearer. It's a very important point, and without it we goy barbarians would still be devotees of pagan gods, rather than children of the God that actually exists.
The piece also reminds the reader of the never-ending debate about the secular use of circumcision, and I suppose this will never end.
I liked it!
What "Sigh" said ...
I don't like to have anyone put curse words into the mouths of apostles. Did they ever curse? We don't know. Everyone is trashing Christianity as it is, don't jump on the bandwagon. I know you guys are into satire etc.
Look at Paul, "I count it all refuse" if you look at the greek there, it's "garbage," even "shit", etc. He's being exceedingly strong and is using the koine vernacular of the day, so yeah, I think it's likely that on occasion, when it served a purpose, they used curse words. It's really not that big of a deal.
these comments are amazing! folks, it's satire ... it makes you think ... it's funny!
It is even funnier now with everyone getting upset over the word penis, and missing the point of the piece... Which is ironic, becauase that's the point.
Touche'
thank you!
I got 1 1/2 hours before church and I can't get ready cause I'm laughing too hard (as it were). If you don't know the issue you aren't reading the piece anyway. And sorry, it WAS ALL about the penis. Ya think a gentile really differentiated? Did the apostles cuss? Was Peter a fisherman? Was Levi a tax collector? And when they found out about Judas they said, "?". This is great stuff. It's satire - supposed to make you think - not react to the extent you need a knee replacement!
Nah, it's not a knee replacement some of these people need, more like a funny bone replacement. This was funny, o, sigh, just for you..... penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis
I thought it was a little long and could have been cut short.
The article, I mean.
Okay, I just said that for the joke.
anything that makes us think - even if we disgree with the approach or some of the content - is, I believe, generally useful.
It is fascinating to se the reactions - my comment would be that the satire needs to be sharper and thus quicker to the point. In this case a little blunt which would make it more painful!
anything that makes us think - even if we disgree with the approach or some of the content - is, I believe, generally useful.
It is fascinating to se the reactions - my comment would be that the satire needs to be sharper and thus quicker to the point. In this case a little blunt which would make it more painful!
Great writing! It's laugh out loud funny and probably fairly close to at least one of the conversations the apostles had on the subject. They were real men after all.
Keep it up, in the meantime, I'm "off to the nations."
Things are funnier already! I think it's clear that you're on the right path when your first comment has someone sighing and complaining about pointless vulgarity.
Keep up the good work!
Oh, I'm so grateful for you this morning. Not awake enough to think of a particularly funny way to say that, though
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_Prepuce
The Holy Prepuce, or Holy Foreskin (Latin præputium or prepucium) is one of several relics attributed to Jesus. At various points in history, a number of churches in Europe have claimed to possess it, sometimes at the same time. Various miraculous powers have been ascribed to it.
Depending on what you read, there were eight, twelve, fourteen, or even 18 different holy foreskins in various European towns during the Middle Ages". [1] The relic was originally said to have been given to Pope Leo III on December 25, 800 by Charlemagne on the occasion of his coronation; he in turn is said to have claimed that it had been brought to him by an angel while he prayed at the Holy Sepulcher[citation needed] (although another version of the story says it was a wedding gift from the Byzantine Empress Irene).
(more at the website address above)
A1 Speegle
www.geocities.com/alspeegle
Does the holy foreskin lengthen penises.... now that's a miracle I can use!
Awesome. If you don't think this is funny, you need to reconsider your spirituality. Jesus is laughing his ass off.
DITTO TO WHAT SIGH SAID SORRY MAYBE IM TO TIRED TO GET IT
Well, I thought it was funny. But then, Jesus died so I don't have to be excluded on the basis of not having a penis, or thater included on the basis of having a relative with one.
I bet not having a ***** (for sigh's benefit) makes this much FUNNIER to me ... :)
Great stuff. The early church bickered a lot amongst themselves about the little stuff, like we still do. "Because we've always done it that way." Without really remembering WHY we did it that way, or why things were changing up. And I love the little jokes mixed in. Reminds me of watching Looney Tunes or other "children's" programming later in life and catching all those jokes that the under 18-ers miss.
Guys I think you've gone a bit far this time.I thought I was mis- reading when looking down the list of contents.
I've been recommending your Mag and web-site to some friends but I am a bit sore in my heart at what can seem to be the slightly vulgar approach to this delicate subject. The old way of "avoiding all appearance ....." and " not even a hint" spring to mind.
Watch your credibility !!
Your friend.
Paul
I thought it was funny and people who whine about not liking it are being douche bags. The story is meant to be funny, so get a sense of humor.
P.S. Has anyone ever stopped to consider that maybe one of the reasons people dog out Christians is due to a complete inability to laugh at ourselves? I'm just sayin...
Hilarious. Just Hilarious.
LOL
Anyone that has a problem with "curse words into the mouths of apostles" obviously hasn't read Paul in Greek. That man had a potty mouth when we needed to.
I got it all...except the pen comment at the end... What was that about... I may just be slow today... Sorry... Anyone help a brother out?
That was bloody brilliant!
Here's one Jew who thought it was extremely clever and amusing. Having read the Acts of the Apostles, I'm familiar with the story, the sheet with all the animals coming down, etc. This is actually a very important thing. According to many scholars, many Romans of the day were converting to Judaism because of their desire for a more ethical religion. But,when the Christians threw out the part about requiring circumcision, that religion became the religion of choice for those folks...I mean who could blame them. BTW, the throw away line about naming the penis after Peter is a real gut buster. Thanks to one of my Christian friends for directing me to this site.
I don't know, but according to Luke 5:8, Peter was a "sinful man." Now I hear tell Isaiah cursed like a drunken sailor (Isaiah 6:5)!
This is the funniest thing I have read from you guys since the God's blog and of course watching God stuff. It is so refreshing to find a magazine with the same humor as I do in finding funny things about christianity. I mean can you imagine someone coming up to you with a knife and telling you if you want to join our club you have to cut a part off your "peter", or eat his body and drink his body in remembrance of him. That is crazy and sometimes I think we forget how absurd would have seemed to people back then.
I will be sure to bring up this story in one of my classes at bible college.
Dr. Dewey Santmier wrote: "I don't like to have anyone put curse words into the mouths of apostles. Did they ever curse? We don't know. Everyone is trashing Christianity as it is, don't jump on the bandwagon. I know you guys are into satire etc."
Let's see penis, scrotum, foreskin... and those are "curse words"...
I wonder what kind of doctor finds those words to be "curse words". Obviously one who thinks everyone in Biblical times talked about "pee-pee pumper" and "naughty bag". It must have been interesting when discussions about circumcision came up and I cannot imagine how they taught the rabbi's to DO circumcision if you couldn't use "dirty words" like foreskin and penis!
are you sure you can say "pumper" in a Christian website? he he he
Cursing? Perhaps it was the use of the word "ass" that they found offensive. Does God not approve of these phonetic sounds to describe the butt? Or perhaps we shouldn't describe the butt. (Unless we're married and we do it in private, in which case we can only say things like "Thank You God, for my husband's cute butt." Otherwise we should pretend we don't really even see the butt, and if we do we should never refer to it. Except for babies butts ... until they're 12, no 5 ...
LOL, well this sounds like a conversation I would have with some of my close friends who are pastors as well. This is the kind of stuff I love to read in the Door. If I want a safe, reverrent discussion I'll turn to another magazine. I like being able to laugh at my faith history, it keeps me from becoming bitter and self-righteous. But it is understandable that some peeps don't like the word penis. The pen-is mightier than the sword. But not in the case of circumcision. Keep up the good work and it must have sucked to be sliced as an adult. *shiver*
Oh, those judgmental Christians -- you gotta love 'em. Missing the point to write their holy-than-thou stuff. Thanks "anonymous" for making my point ... along with the other oh-so-smug comments you made on the other articles on the front page!
I've made a grave mistake. Stupid me, I made the assumption that the people who read this publication were a little smarter than the average sheep (christian); but based on the responses to this satire i realize most of you are simply stupid. To those of you who can take a joke, way to use your brain. To those of you who can't, rock hard jesus penis.
Way too funny :)
And the comments just like the Jerusalem conference.
Keep it up!
Boring and tedious.
I agree with "Sigh."
you need to put all the godstuff clips together in one place so they can be watched after they go off the insider newsletter.
i would like to be able to simply watch them one after the other.
i agree.
i agree, let's hear what everyone else thinks. how about it?
easy to watch, easy to get to them godstuff clips.
Your wish has been granted! Go to the Doorstore at this site and click on videos. Godstuff clips are compiled on a couple DVDs. I've never seen that show (no cable!)...will have to look into it.
If by "that show," you mean Godstuff, you won't find it. It used to be a regular segment on "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central; not so much now that it is "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart".
Great article, by the way.
Wonderful....
Tickled me very well....
heh, penis is a funny word. so is scrotum. funny article, was a tad windy though. probably could've been shorter.
to everyone that got all bent out of shape, stop taking yourself so seriously. i doubt anyone else does.
Laughed through this whole thing.
As a female, I've always found the penis to be overrated in most contexts.